November 22nd, 2006
Pillow Talk
Time: 11:30 pm
Place: My bedroom
My son says:
Sometimes when I can’t sleep it’s because of the hot stomach feeling, mum (and I crumble inside¦oh, my baby¦we don’t know if that’s related to the spikes that show up on his eeg’s, or if it’s something physically bothering him)¦and sometimes I can’t sleep because there are too many thoughts in my head and they won’t stop. That’s what’s happening right now.
The ‘too many thoughts’ thing happens to me, too, honey. I think it happens to everyone sometimes. Sometimes it happens when I’m stressed or worried about something, and sometimes it happens for no reason at all. Do you think it’s happening tonight because you’re stressed about something?
I don’t know, the thoughts just come out of nowhere. Sometimes I think about silly stuff, but sometimes I start to worry that when I’m a grown man I’m not going to be able to do things right and I’m going to have a hard life. Like I won’t know how to think good enough to do the things I need to. What if I don’t get a job, what if I end up in jail?
Oh, no! You’re not going to end up in jail! You’re a good person; you try harder than most people to do the right thing. You have a kind heart! Like the other day when you pulled the pillow out from under your brothers head, not realising he was using it. His head thumped down on the floor hard¦and he got mad and started punching you. When he got in trouble you explained that he didn’t realise you’d done it accidentally and that’s why he was so mad. Most little brothers wouldn’t have bothered to explain that, because your big brother did the wrong thing and needed to be in trouble. You tried to offer an explanation, even though he’d hurt you. Someone with a kind heart like that would never end up in jail, sweetie. You don’t lie, you don’t steal, you don’t hurt people¦you’re not the kind of person who does wrong things on purpose.
And inside, of course, I worry. He’s so easily made a scapegoat, he doesn’t know how to explain situations to explain his actions. He doesn’t yet understand why he SHOULD explain things. And he doesn’t understand how to deal with authority figures; a police man is just another person, so is a teacher, so it his mum. He talks to his doctor the same as he talks to his brother. Mum has this same difficulty, and knows why it’s a danger. We’re working on these things¦but I worry about them, too.
But what if I don’t know how to write and read good enough? I won’t be able to get a job. Then what do I do?
Baby, you’ve learned a LOT just this last few months. You want to know a secret? (It ain’t a secret here, I’ve talked about this on my blog before) When I was your age I wasn’t as good as YOU at those things, and you know you’re mum is smart, right? I don’t know why, but it was like there was a block in my mind about doing them, especially reading. Just before I went into third grade, over that summer, I learned to read again on my own.
Remember how I told you I could sight read in Kindie, but in first grade the teachers insisted on reading phonetically? Well, I lost the ability to read for a couple of years. I think because it was stressful that they were pushing a reading method that didn’t make sense to me, and it became too discouraging for me. I think that there came a time when my brain was just READY to read their way, and suddenly I could read again. I see the same thing with YOUR learning. When you’re ready to do something it comes easily– pushing it too early makes more roadblocks, and makes the process harder. I KNOW you’re going to have an easier time when you’re ready, because that’s what you’ve done before in learning other things.
Best not to worry about it in the meantime, we’ll take our time and learn a bit at a time. You’re already way ahead of where I was at your age, and I think it’s because we’re taking things in stride rather than pushing them too soon.
If we take things a step at a time, you’re going to learn everything you need to know, and have a very happy life.
His breathing slows and he snuggles under my chin. He hasn’t slept with me for months, he hasn’t had trouble sleeping until a couple of days ago.
Do you really think I’m smart?
I kiss his forehead.
You know the answer to that. You’re so smart it’s scary!
We both laugh.
He turns over¦breathes¦
breathes¦
breathes¦
November 22nd, 2006 at 5:41 pm
Ah, a warrier. I’m like that too, not so much anymore. I bet he’s quite the perfectionist. Worry can certainly show up as a funny feeling in your stomach.
That was nice, btw.
November 22nd, 2006 at 6:12 pm
Lately Charlie has been very content to have me just sitting nearby after I tuck him in. He does not have the language of your son but we exchange—-tunes—sounds—a few words and wordlessly expressed thoughts—and then he curls up under the blankets, content.
November 22nd, 2006 at 11:57 pm
Thanks for your comments Joseph and Kristina. I’m still wondering if I soothed him to sleep or *bored* him to sleep!
Yes, Joseph, he’s a worrier and sometimes a perfectionist, usually about whatever he’s working on. He comes by it honest, mum is like that too.
Gee, do you think it’s hereditary?! Heh…
Kristina, that sounds like our usual bedtime. It’s unusual for him to tell me so much of what he’s feeling, I think he must have been thinking about that for awhile.
What ever differences our sons have they actually sound more alike than different
I wish they could meet each other.
November 23rd, 2006 at 12:52 am
What a nice boy. It’s wonderful that you had similar experiences to his and could share them with him.
November 23rd, 2006 at 5:38 am
Thank you Ms. Clark
He’s a wonderful boy.
I keep hoping that sharing our experiences with him will help him work his way through things a bit easier, not feeling so alone…and help him understand that things change over time. Mum can read now…dad doesn’t tip over chairs in frustration like he did in grade school (son loved that story–strangely enough he had the same reaction to school. Hey, maybe THAT’S hereditary too?! lol!)
November 23rd, 2006 at 7:31 am
I *love* pillow talk with my children. Patrick especially. He likes to curl up in a ‘nest’ in the blankets and then says “talk to me”. We don’t talk about much that makes sense but it’s such a precious moment of communication. Sometimes holding hands, sometimes looking in each other’s eyes, sometimes just two hearts beating toghether while we think.
How aware your little guys is. Already worrying about his future. Sounds like you reassured him well.
November 23rd, 2006 at 12:02 pm
I wonder if he might have overheard an adult conversation about how hard it can be to find a job?
Maybe a book of stories about people who overcame hardship and eventually had successful careers would help to reassure him. You could try explaining that even if a person can’t find a job at some point in life, that doesn’t necessarily mean the person did anything wrong; sometimes there just aren’t enough jobs available in a particular city or field of work. It’s not a reflection on the person’s intelligence or worth.
The Great Depression would be a good example of how people found ways to survive during hard times (unless you think that your son would worry too much about the possibility of something like that happening again).
November 23rd, 2006 at 5:19 pm
Hi MKS…ah, see, there’s another little boy I think my boy would enjoy. When I read about Patrick I’m reminded of my guy. I bet they’d enjoy each other.
Bonnie, I think the problem was that when our son has complained about school work, we thought it would show a purpose for it by saying something like “Well, if you want to be a (insert his current career of choice…scientist, engineer, mechcanic…STREET SWEEPER [he desperately longed to run a streetsweeping vehicle at one point] ) then you need to study hard and learn lots of things first!”
It was one of those dumb ‘motivational’ things you say as a parent.
It didn’t occur to me that he would start to then worry that difficulty in school work now=no job later in such an immediate fashion. That was obviously short sighted of us. It wasn’t the intention to leave him feeling overwhelmed, but I see now that was what happened.
About the ‘jail’ thing, we recently got into a dinner table discussion while watching the news about why a person might end up in jail. To explain that it’s not that a person is innately bad, but that sometimes difficulties in life can create situations where that might happen. Lack of work and education were some of the reasons we listed.
Put those two things together and I guess you end up with one stressed out literal-minded 8 year old
It’s hard for both husband and I to know how much information to give him sometimes. He asks such totally cool questions that we end up thinking he can handle more information than he’s really ready for, I think. I guess this is a good time to reassess that.
Your suggestions are good. There are some stories of overcoming adversity in our “Different Like Me” book, too, it would be a good time to pull that off the shelf
December 1st, 2006 at 2:03 pm
Far be it from me to post anything optimistic I am the scorpion remember.
I remember times like that but I cannot say for me the thought ever stopped.
I had not much conception of what the future was.
I recall a radio programme where someone said “we are of the generation who will live to see both 1984 and 2001″ and now both those iconic dates are history.
The future is not anything any of us can know and the question is even if we plan for it, we cannot avoid it for what will happen is not in our hands.
I see two futures, but whatever I do to work towards the first, the second gloomier one beckons.
December 3rd, 2006 at 3:52 pm
Thank you, Larry. I know we need to take things a step at a time. I am very aware of not putting judgements on various possible ‘futures’ for our son, but it’s obvious to me that some comments we make might seem innocent at the time, and still cause worry.
I’m still not sure that was what set the ‘worry’ cycle going with him, but I need to be aware of the possibility.
If scorpions didn’t sting they wouldn’t survive long. They’d die of starvation or be eaten up. They’re a tasty snack for many animals, why shouldn’t they defend themselves.
Anyway, I don’t think you’re a scorpion
I have long admired the fact that you say what you think. This is far harder to do than making ‘nicey nicey’, the aftermath can be hard to deal with. But it is more productive in the end, and desperately needed, especially if the ’second future’ you’re writing about is the same I’m concerned with.
I hate the phrase “Well, at least we tried.” But far worse to not even have that comfort.
January 22nd, 2007 at 7:57 pm
Every creature needs to rest. Giraffes, little babies, elephants, dogs, cats, kids, koala bears, grandparents, moms, dads, and hippos in the jungle - they all sleep! Just like eating, sleep is necessary for survival. WBR LeoP
July 24th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I know I need massive amounts of rest myself. I keep thinking that tonight will be the night I get that GREAT sleep. But no.. No. I just wake up sleepy and stumble through to the next dose of coffee… How sad!
July 24th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
When it comes to the baby pillow, this is a big debate that I think people should really read about and form their own opinions. We had a really hard time figuring out what to do with our daughter and to pillow or not to pillow… Make your own decision. You are the parent.
August 16th, 2008 at 1:49 am
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