October 31st, 2006
Recognition
I had a very interesting, funny and enjoyable experience yesterday 
It was the first meeting of our social skills class, this time parents only. I’ve attended other classes through our local speech pathology group, so I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know some of the children and parents who attend fairly well, but there are always new people turning up or old people dropping out, so you never really know who is going to show up on the first day of a class.
There is one mum I know fairly well from past classes. She has 3 little boys, all under the age of 7, diagnosed on the spectrum. It’s been in the back of my mind for awhile that *mum* is also on the spectrum, and in such an OUT way that it was quite refreshing to watch her in action during our group sessions. She didn’t hold back, if she had something to say…well, she did. Sometimes it was off topic a bit, but it was always fun, and usually made good sense if you stuck with what she was saying long enough. I really like her.
Well, today, when we started this new class, there were only 3 parents in attendence: me, a father I’ve met before, and a grandma (who I didn’t know) who was attending for her daughter who couldn’t attend. We listened to the presentation from the speech pathologists and answered questions about our children to get started, and then the SP’s walked us through a hand out that listed some difficulties for autistic children and suggestions to help them.
Grandma had already struck me as pretty savvy about her grandson from her description at the beginning of the class…but when the SP’s were talking about some of the methods they recommend to help the kids out with eye contact, she suddenly interjected “Well, I don’t know why everyone keeps harping on about that anyway! Why’s it so important to push eye contact on a person who can’t hear what you’re saying when they make it in the first place!” She explained that not only do her grandsons have autism diagnosis, but her son (who was in his 30’s) does as well, so she knew what she was talking about. Not only that, she said, but she herself had the same difficulty processing what was being said when she tried to maintain eye contact.
It was such a moment of recognition for me. Not only did I relate to what she was saying (and back her up with my own experience), but all the sudden I realised…this HAD to be the mum of the lady I’d met in the earlier class, the one with 3 autistic kids. Even though she didn’t look anything like her and there was nothing really specific to back it up– somehow I just knew. It was something in the way she spoke…something about her body language…and something about her attitude of “This is me, take it or leave it.” It was so familiar.
It’s hard to explain, but I suddenly felt SO happy. It was a bit like meeting a long lost friend, not just because I liked her attitude, not just because I was pleased to have guessed her identity (turned out I was right about it, I later learned). But because what she was saying was so close to how I feel, and it was just so cool to meet someone who had thought all these things through long ago. She had experienced these things her self, she had raised a son (and I think a daughter) who dealt with the same isses…and now her grandsons. It was all second nature to her, no big deal, and she didn’t want anyone ELSE to make it a big deal. It just wasn’t an issue for her anymore, she knew what she knew and she was perfectly comfortable SAYING it. Wow.
I tried to bite my tongue as much as possible through the rest of the class, but I’m a bit embarressed that she and I ended up taking up more than our fair share of time during the session. I just could hardly contain myself, I was so thrilled. We connected so well it was hard to hold back! I’m sure the SP’s were rolling their eyes over coffee afterwards, but HA! I don’t care
After the class ended we spent almost an hour talking in the parking lot. It was just great. I had the same feeling from her that I get very rarely. That feeling of “I know you. I understand you. I am comfortable!”
Recognition
October 31st, 2006 at 8:10 am
Your excitement is palpable M.I.T.
Certainly was a very special day for you!
” I’m sure the SP’s were rolling their eyes over coffee afterwards, but HA! I don’t care”
I love it!!
Such a nice feel good post Mum. Nice to finish off the evening with. (It’s 11pm here in Oz)
October 31st, 2006 at 9:46 am
Mum is Thinking,
I hope you wont bite your tounge or get embarrassed about speaking up too often. (I rather doubt that you do.) Youve got so much to contribute.
If they are going to roll their eyes, let them roll thier eyes. Let them drink coffee and roll their eyes till they get dizzy. YOU KEEP TALKING!
October 31st, 2006 at 1:31 pm
What a blast!
I’m glad you are making those connections with other spectrummish parents and grandparents.
October 31st, 2006 at 7:01 pm
Mum is Thinking,
I just got a better understanding of the theme of your post here after reading how it related to some other post on abfh blog and then reading yours over.The method that I have aquired to fit my how my eyes work often leaves me missing the point.
Im sincerly glad for these connections you are making with other parents.
November 1st, 2006 at 3:51 pm
Thanks for your comments, Ed, Ms. Clark and Kathy
I apologise for taking so long to answer!
Ed, I think you got the meaning of this pretty darn well the first time.
I DO have a very hard time talking in public, people often tell me I’m the shyest person they’ve ever met. I don’t think that’s my natural personality, it’s more a defense mechanism. ABFH’s post was a good analysis of the effects of that from a broader perspective, and I agree with what she wrote.
I’m struggling with these issues as a parent at the moment, having first hand knowledge of the difficulties and hardships that come from ‘trying to pass as normal’. I don’t want to pass those down to my son. A good part of my happiness in meeting this grandma comes from having met her daughter previously, and seeing first hand where she learned her natural ease with herself.
I very much want that for my son. I think it has to start with me, though, it’s not something I can give him if I don’t have it myself.
(And I felt that same feeling of ‘recognition’ when I read your blog. I think you spoke of many issues that concern me as well, and that I haven’t often seen addressed. I hope you keep talking too!)
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:20 am
Mum is Thinking,
O.K. Im going to talk here. I hope its O.K. I think its important that you hear this.
I see these two videos on Josephs site. I see these kids and their mothers talking about therepies and treatments that helped the kids. I guess anything that really helped Im glad for but…. I cant help thinking that these mothers see autism as a toxic condition and/or a set of behaviors that needs to be “fixed”. So now Im uncomfortable but…. at the end of the second video I hear the kid say something like,”Parents of kids with autism, join my mother in helping to stop autism.” and then I think ummm….
Lets say this kid and his mother meets me and my wife somewhere. (I cant think of where that might happen but lets just suppose.)
They notice that Im autistic. The kid thinks that its too bad that I still toxic or behaviorally impaired? What about the traits he sees in me that maybe he notices in himself? How does he feel about me? How does this make him feel about himself?
On the other hand you and your kid meet us, and because youve taught him to appreciate and be at ease with who he is, after meeting us he turns to you and says,” Hey Mum, hes different…. kind of like us….and hes married and they seem to they seem to appreciate and be at ease with who he is….cool.”(shhh….kid is thinking….)
Dont you think thats important to everyones future? Listen, Im not just thinking that you expressing your veiws is important….Im VERY concerned about the consequences for everyone if you dont. This is VERY important!
I changed my address here. I hope you can klick on my name now to read my blog. This has inspired me to write some more on this.
Thanks, Ed
November 3rd, 2006 at 7:10 pm
Of course that’s important
We need as many people to speak up about their experiences as possible, we all have something to add, and it’s all important. We all have such different perspectives, and probably there are a lot of other people out there who are anxious to add their voices but hesitate. It can be scary, having been misunderstood in the past. And sometimes the things we need to say are difficult to put to words, that also makes it hard.
I am so happy you’re still blogging. I was a bit worried you’d given it up when your old blog disappeared. Yea! you’re still here
November 6th, 2006 at 7:02 am
O.K. Im sure Im not following protocol here but Im going to try again because I think its important.
Recognition. What a great title. Those of us who are different sometimes dont feel comfortable speaking up because we feel nobody will relate. But you and this lady did speak up and you could relate. Not only to each other but maybe also to the kids you were ALL supposed to be there to talk about.
Ill bet that was a good feeling.
Being different we (like the kids) have plenty of experiences when nobody recognises how our differences are actually similar to someone elses differences.
You get recognition from reading my blog? That makes me feel good. I often feel that people couldnt possibly relate to my experiances. Im glad you can relate.
Our reading styles are probably very similar. That was actually a pretty hard one for me to believe. Ive never thought that anyone could really relate to that experiance of mine. Now that Ive had time to think about it, it does feel good to know that someone can.
So, sometimes recognition happens imediately, like at that meeting. Sometimes it takes everyone trying to understand more effort.
I think I get it better now. Its a lesson that I want to keep in mind because I think its important. Thanks for your effort in helping me understand.
November 7th, 2006 at 5:31 am
Yeah, that it was a good feeling
I saw her again at this weeks class, but this time the kids were there and we didn’t get to talk afterwards. I hope we get to another time, I really enjoyed talking with her last time.
I don’t know if our reading styles are exactly the same, but perhaps similar…and probably others out there can relate. I see some similarity between how my son is reading and how I was reading before I had troubles at school (they insisted on phonetic reading, I guess is was a bit of a fad to push that to the exclusion of sight reading when I was a kid. That totally messed up my ability to read for awhile, I was a sight reader, phonics didn’t make sense for a long time. Stupid educational fads.)
Yeah, your writing makes a lot of sense to me
You know, if you’re interested in reading experiences from a lot of different people, you might enjoy the Wrong Planet forum? Or Aspies for Freedom which has more of an advocacy slant is also good. You may have heard of them already, in which case, just ignore…but just in case you’re interested in reading the experiences of a lot of different people or even participating in the discussions, those can be a good place to start. It’s nice to see there are a lot of people out there dealing with similar issues and with similar experiences.
November 21st, 2006 at 9:24 pm
Isn’t it great when that happens? It’s knowing you are not the only one out there who knows what is going on and how to deal with it in the sea of many who don’t.
I have come across your blog in my searching and I hope you don’t mind me stopping by now and then.
November 23rd, 2006 at 2:20 am
Hi Kristine, of course I’m happy for you to drop by anytime
It is nice to meet someone who understands things like this lady did, and especially when they’re not afraid to say so. She was just fantastic, I hope I get to see her again.
January 12th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Hi Mum is Thinking,
I just found your blog and it is wonderful. As a SP, I just wanted you to know that some of us do get the “don’t push eye contact” thing. I don’t push it and I encourage parents not to for my kids who have difficulty processing auditory information (not just my kids on the spectrum). I really don’t get the push for eye contact myself. Yes, it is a social regulator but as long as the person looks in your direction sometimes, what is the big deal? Besides, most people train it “wrong” anyway. When “typically developing” people make eye contact, they actually look around the face and only briefly at the eyes. When professionals teach eye contact, they usually teach to look at the eyes. This can make the communication partner more uncomfortable than the person’s natural pattern.
Connections are difficult to make, especially those instant ones. It is a beautiful thing when they happen.